Day 5 and I Still Haven’t Pooed

Bravery isn’t childbirth.

It’s the sequel.

I’ve birthed a human.

I have several stitches… you-know-where. I’m still bleeding. Sitting is a negotiation. I’m leaking from above and below and sweating profusely through the night (apparently postpartum sweat is just your body’s way of downsizing).

But most of all —

I still haven’t pooed.

And the thought of it is terrifying…

My in-laws are very matter-of-fact. They are retired doctors. They’ve seen it all. Bodily functions don’t faze them. This is all very normal.

But somehow, my mother-in-law sprinting to the shop to buy laxatives and glycerine suppositories feels like a new frontier in our relationship I could’ve done without.

There are some postpartum milestones you don’t expect to become group events.

I suppose it is one of the biggest hurdles I’m currently trying to overcome. So sure… why not have everyone on the edge of their seats for the outcome too?

Rumour has it it’s even scarier after a C-section. Your core has been sliced open. You have no pushing muscles. Nothing is online yet.

A friend told me her husband had to hold her hand through it — like a second birth.

She said it came out square.

Square.

What is going on in there?

Was it trying to escape like a Minecraft character?

That’s not just a loss of dignity. That’s a full surrender.

You don’t care anymore. You just want it out. You need emotional support to manage it.

And this man — this hand-holding, square-poo-witnessing man — is a hero.

If that doesn’t say I love you, I don’t know what does.

If courage had a sound, it would be the rustle of a laxative packet after having a baby.

Survival Tip

•       Buy the laxatives in advance.

For Motivational Push Energy I recommend:

• “Push It” – Salt-N-Pepa

• “Eye of the Tiger” – Survivor

• “Stronger” – Kanye West

• “Don’t Stop Believin’” – Journey

  Hold on to that feeling — but not too long.